Authentic Dating - what´s that?!

How can we date in an effective and, at the same time, authentic way?

Iam German, so efficiency is really important for me. I am also deeply invested in authentic relating and love to lead with vulnerability in my connections.

Dating was always something I hated! I didn’t like having conversations over an app and then meeting a stranger somewhere. I also didn’t like going to a bar or a party to meet new people. This wasn’t me. I am an extrovert; if we ever meet somewhere, you would quickly know, but I am also socially anxious and quickly overwhelmed by crowded people or meeting somebody new. But this is normally the experience single people have to go through to meet their specific other, isn’t it?

I am wondering now what other ways there are to meet more authentically. There must be another way to meet and approach people in a way that doesn’t feel scary or weird (speaking of dating apps, especially).

I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps. They never worked for me! At all. I had multiple dates thanks to this technology, but it always turned out that I didn’t vibe with that person. I tried different approaches, different pictures, and different conversational techniques. I even researched and read books about how to get better at online dating. Nothing changed my hesitance about meeting somebody I didn’t know and had no idea who they were. Isn't it funny that I, as a single person, am required to meet strangers on the internet to meet my future partner? For me, this still feels funny and weird.

I am outgoing, I have hobbies, and I host events. I do meet people, but what I recently realized was that there were still old beliefs holding me back from really being available for the right kind of person. No surprise here, isn’t it? It always starts with us and our beliefs about how we can connect with others and what kind of people we attract. If you think you are worthless or not deserving of love, this will be the vibe all around you.

Dating authentically means being aware of what subconscious beliefs are blocking you. I thought that men weren’t attracted to me and I didn't deserve a good partner, and that’s why I only saw taken men or men not being interested in me. Because of my beliefs and the way I was „trained" in my childhood, I clung to this old idea that men don't find me beautiful. It's still crazy to me how the way we see things can be changed when we allow ourselves to wear different pairs of glasses.

We all have our own subconscious beliefs about dating and relationships. One of the first steps is to look at the relationship between your parents!

If the relationship between your parents was good and healthy, congratulations! Because the relationship with our parents is our first blueprint of what it means to be in a relationship with somebody else, if the relationship between your parents wasn’t that good, like it was the case with my parents, the blueprint is an unfortunate default. Many of us who had complicated childhoods are mostly aware of how much this factor is costing us in the long run, especially after we experienced one failed relationship after another or that we are staying single longer than others.

So you might know that the blueprint you received as a child wasn’t healthy, but knowing and seeing it on paper is something completely different. So I encourage you to take a pen and paper and write down how your parents relationship was when you were a child. What messages did you receive from being in a relationship with someone else? What did you learn about being a woman in a relationship with a man, or vice versa? What kind of power dynamic did you see playing out? What happened in the conflict? How did your parents show each other love and affection? After you have written all of it down, take another page and write down what your last relationships looked like. Take the same question around conflict, love, and affection. Did you copy the relationship of your parents, or did you do the complete opposite of it? Would you say that you acted in a healthy way by taking full responsibility for your own well-being and ownership of your behavior? Whether we like it or not, the relationship between our parents guides and influences us. We can deny it as much as we want, but our past experiences are the most truthful showcase of what’s really going on.

The first step to change is always awareness and acceptance. If we bypass and stay ignorant of the facts of what influenced us, we will never grow and rise. Only if we accept what is right now can we take ownership and create healthy change. So I invite you to welcome that part of your story. Don't shame or blame it. Just accept it and feel the emotions that are connected to it.

So what would be the best way to date more authentically? I think we have to start with our own hidden parts that are holding us back from forming them. If we are more aware and honest with ourselves, it can already change our behavior towards others. Then it doesn't matter where we are or what we do; we will be more open and accessible to meeting a potential partner.

Need more help? I am offering one free coaching session right now; reach out when you are interested in working together.

Yours truly, Silja