Sometimes I Hate Authentic Relating, But Here’s Why I Keep Choosing It

There are days when I hate practicing authentic relating. I hate welcoming everything and owning my experience, and I hate that I keep choosing vulnerability over and over again.

It feels like stripping down to my most raw self, exposing parts of me that I’d rather keep hidden.

Sometimes, it feels like a part of me is dying during this process—the part that was so comfortable hiding, manipulating, and withdrawing.

Part of me still longs to run away from connection. When I feel insecure or afraid of being rejected.

Feelings that take me right back to my childhood instinct: to withdraw.

I’m terrified of standing alone in my desire for connection and closeness. That fear is real. And yet, despite all of this, I keep leaning in.

I’ve learned that my inner child is trying to protect me. That part of me hates what my adult self is doing because it feels foreign.

It never learned that connection can be safe or nourishing. That showing up as my authentic self is something lovable and worthy of being seen.

But here’s what I’m teaching that part of me: connection can be safe. It’s okay to lean in, to reveal myself, and to release the shame. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way that might help you as you navigate your own journey with authentic relating:

1. It’s Scary for All of Us

Opening up and being vulnerable doesn’t come easily to anyone. It’s natural to feel fear when we’re exposing our real selves—it’s a risk. But the fact that it’s scary doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. That fear means you’re stepping into something real.

2. Parts of You Will Rebel

When you choose to be more open, expect a part of yourself to resist. That’s the protective side, the one that learned to keep you safe by staying hidden. It’s completely normal for parts of you to push back against vulnerability. Recognize that voice, and know it’s not the whole truth.

3. Start Small

You don’t have to go all-in right away. Test the waters with small doses of vulnerability—share a little, then see how the other person reacts. You don’t need to expose everything at once. Connection builds gradually.

4. Not Everyone Will Welcome Your Vulnerability, and That’s Okay

Some people won’t know how to handle your authenticity, and it might hurt. But the ones who can meet you there? Those are the people who will stick with you. They’re worth the effort, and they’ll make your vulnerability feel less like a risk and more like a gift.

5. It Takes Time to Learn

Like any practice, authentic relating isn’t something you master overnight. You’ll stumble, make mistakes, and sometimes fall back into old patterns. That’s okay. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about showing up as you are, and allowing the process to unfold over time.

6. When You Feel Like Withdrawing, Pause

There will be moments when you want to retreat, to fall back into your old patterns of hiding or withdrawing. When that happens, pause. Ask yourself: What’s really going on here? What am I feeling right now? Taking a moment to check in with yourself can help you choose connection over avoidance, while still honoring your need to feel safe.

I’ve been rejected hundreds of times, and every single time, it hurt. But I survived. Being left alone after sharing how I feel didn’t define my worth. Being judged or blamed didn’t take away my value. I survived all of it.

And through all the pain, I’ve also made the most beautiful connections. I’ve deepened my old relationships and built new ones that are grounded in trust and understanding. I’ve learned to love and be loved. I no longer have to overthink my behavior because I trust that showing up as I am—doing my best—is enough.

Even though part of me will always resist this practice, there’s a bigger part that sees the transformation. I can feel the shift in how I show up, and how others reflect that back to me. And in those moments, I know it’s worth the effort.

Authentic relating is a journey. It’s not about getting it right all the time, but about allowing yourself to show up in ways that feel true to who you are. It’s hard, it’s messy, and sometimes it feels unbearable—but the connections you build along the way will remind you why you keep choosing it.