The Friendship Lie We’ve Been Told

One of the most persistent lies I see about friendship is the idea that it should be effortless. That if it’s real, it just happens. That we should be endlessly understanding, tolerant, and self-sacrificing—without ever talking about what we actually need.

But here’s what I’ve learned: friendship isn’t just something we fall into. It’s something we learn—often painfully, often late.

If you grew up without feeling emotionally safe, you might long for the kind of friendship that sees you completely, holds you gently, and never threatens your sense of belonging. And you might quietly expect friends to play roles they never agreed to take on. Like a substitute parent. Or a therapist. Or a mirror that never reflects anything uncomfortable back at you.

The truth is, without learning relational skills—like naming your needs, staying with discomfort, or pausing before reacting—even the kindest friendship can start to feel unsafe. Not because the other person is unkind. But because old wounds speak louder than present reality.

This is why so many of us end up in friendships where we either over-function or disappear. We ignore red flags, tolerate emotional distance, or numb ourselves to subtle rejections—because we were taught that being chosen, even barely, is enough.

But real connection is not about being tolerated. It’s about being met.

Authentic friendships are not passive. They are a living practice. One where you take emotional risks. Learn to repair. Learn to say “this didn’t feel good.” Learn to stay, even when you feel ashamed.

And yes, this can be learned. I’ve seen it happen again and again—in Authentic Relating workshops, in nervous system work, in gentle but honest conversations that invite us into more self-awareness.

You don’t have to keep waiting for “the one friend” who just gets you. You can become someone who creates the kind of connection you’ve always wanted. It’s not fast, and it’s not always easy. But it’s deeply worth it.

You weren’t meant to go through life trying to feel safe by being small, pleasing, or quiet.

You were meant to feel safe by being fully yourself—and learning how to navigate the intimacy that comes with that.

– Silja, Authentic Relating Facilitator & Embodiment Coach