What Can I Do With What I Have?

25 Jul

I have the ability to reach more people thanks to my skills in authentic relating and leadership. I know enough to help others communicate better and build deeper connections, especially those on the spectrum who struggle with PTSD and feel hindered by it. I can organize more online and offline workshops tailored to this group. I can conduct interviews with my target audience to find out how to tailor my workshops precisely to their needs so I can serve them as best as I can.

The first step is to truly understand who my target audience is and what they need. I believe I have finally found them: people who genuinely need my knowledge and whom I can help. There is a pandemic of loneliness out there, and my insights can aid many in fostering better connections in their lives. I’m not exactly an expert on relationships, but friendships and human connections are something I’ve learned about and continue to explore.

It’s crazy that the palm reader at Mindvalley called me a healer and an influencer in the healing sphere. Somehow, I’m still grappling with that notion, just like my North Node in Pisces, which suggests that I am moving toward spirituality and healing. It’s a bit overwhelming. I can’t yet imagine taking on the life mission of a healer. I’m too critical and skeptical for that. Here I am with a cold; if I were a healer, wouldn’t I be able to heal myself? Wouldn’t I have healed my friends already?

Is it a skill that I just need to allow to manifest? Will it come to light once I have healed my own wounds?

Could it be that I have so many wounds because I was born to be a healer and that through all my pain and trauma, I have been able to develop so much empathy and understanding for others?

Nothing truly shocks me anymore because I’ve seen, thought, heard, and felt it all.

When it comes to women and their issues, I am more or less at peace. It’s strange because my main trauma relates to my mother, yet I love women, and my life would be easier if I were a lesbian. Unfortunately, I’m attracted to men. On the other hand, I don't really understand men at all, and there are still so many unresolved stories between me and that gender.

I have no idea how I’ll ever end up in a genuine loving relationship with a man when I still have so many unresolved stories inside me.

I have no idea how to use what I have right now to end up in a true, loving relationship. It feels like I have nothing. Like I haven’t learned anything. Especially after I had feelings for three guys at Mindvalley, and none of them showed any interest in me. Maybe there’s something about me that men find off-putting or that repels them. Perhaps my protective strategies are so strong that no one can get through. I’ve often heard that I have my “walls up.” And it’s true, I do. But why should I walk around with my walls down?