Unlocking the Secrets of True Friendships: My Proven Blueprint
Greetings from Tallinn, Estonia!
I've been here for three weeks now, and I have to admit, it's sometimes a bit lonely. It's not as easy to find an accessible community of like-minded people as it was in Koh Phangan, Bali, or Lagos.
However, the silver lining to this loneliness is that it has given me more clarity and uninterrupted time to reflect on connections, friendships, and partnerships.
I've come to realize how rare true friendship is. It requires commitment from both sides—not just the idea that a relationship would be great, but both people investing time, attention, and energy. This mutual investment is what makes deep friendships so special. When both parties decide to invest in the relationship, it’s truly a miracle.
So, how do we create and maintain these miraculous connections?
Here's my in-depth Blueprint, grounded in authentic relating and self-regulation practices.
How to Create and Maintain a True Best Friendship
Active Listening: Truly listen to the other person. Focus on their words without just waiting for your turn to speak. This deepens understanding and connection.
Ask, Don’t Assume: Avoid misunderstandings by asking clarifying questions instead of assuming you know what the other person means or feels. This shows you care and helps build trust. Ask, "Did I get that right?"
Self-Regulation: Manage your emotions and avoid projecting them onto others. People who are centered feel safer for others, so it's essential to stay calm, grounded, and connected to ourselves.
Techniques like ABC Centering can help: Relax your belly, take a breath, feel your feet on the ground and bum on the chair, balance your posture, and relax your core.
Resolving Conflicts: When disagreements arise, listen carefully, reflect on what’s been said, identify what hurt the other person, and apologize sincerely. Show you’re willing to adjust your behavior.
Mindset: Treat and love the other person the way they want to be loved. Understanding their needs and catering to them is key. Wonder about and ask the question, "How do you feel loved?"
Diving Deeper: The Principles of Authentic Relating
Feedback without Impact Is Just an Opinion
Feedback can either be a powerful tool for growth or just another opinion. The difference lies in its impact. When giving feedback, always ask for permission first: "Can I give you a compliment/feedback?" This respect for boundaries ensures that the recipient feels safe and valued.
Feedback as a Gift
Feedback is a gift that highlights our strengths or areas for growth. It's important to be boundaried within yourself and know when or if you want to receive feedback. A strong self-connection and a regulated nervous system are essential for processing feedback effectively.
Holding Multiple Perspectives
It's easier to settle for one perspective than to allow multiple to coexist. However, true understanding and growth come from holding multiple perspectives. This means acknowledging and respecting different viewpoints within a group, which creates a safe space for sharing.
Naming What’s Happening
Naming the stories you are creating about the other person, the dynamics between the two of you, and speaking them out builds safety. It helps both of you to feel seen and heard.
Staying Present
When the other person is sharing, be present.
Best Friend Game
Here’s a fun game to deepen your connection with someone new:
- Choose one person to start.
- Explain what they need to know about you to be your best friend. Who you are, what you value, what you enjoy, what you dislike, and your personality flaws. You have 3 minutes.
- If they’re enjoying it, give them a bit more time. Then switch roles.
Final Thoughts
I hope these insights and the Best Friend Game help you build lasting, meaningful friendships wherever you are. Remember, creating true friendships takes time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable and open. But the rewards are worth it—a deep, genuine connection that enriches your life.
If you dive deeper into your challenges around connection building, please feel free to book a discovery call with me over this link.
Warmly,
Silja
